First Weigh in Wednesday

Today I wanted to introduce my plan for Wednesdays but I haven't had a lot of time to take my measurements. I didn't want to get out of the habit of posting daily already, so I am posting my plan :)

I will take measurements next week but since standing on the scale is so easy I can say that my beginning weight is 228... almost the heaviest I have ever been
.
If you read my earlier posts you will see that I have gained since last time, but as I have said this is a new beginning for me! I will be happy to say that my heaviest is way behind me!
Here is the part that is the hardest for me, the pictures, but I know it will help.





Thank you again for supporting me in this working for a better life!

first Tasty Tuesday

Tonight I tried the Lasagna "Cupcakes" from Emily Bites. I will let you click the link to get her recipe :) Here is a pic of what mine turned out like.


(my camera battery was dead I will have to take pictures when it is charged)


they were oh so yummy! Now to do better at making side dishes so we dont eat to many! Tonight we ate them with green beans, next time I think I will make some garlic bread to go with them too!

Reconstructing

Ok time to re-evaluate things. This blog didn't do what I was hoping for me so far. That is to give me a sense of purpose to keep me going daily. I think it is obvious how well that has worked so far. I still want to post my weight loss adventure but I am planning on adding other features as well.

To start with I found this awesome blog via pintrest called Emily Bites, and there are a lot of recipes I want to try so once a week I plan on trying something from her blog (and other blogs I my find along the way) and share my experience in making them and my family's opinion of them. My hope for this is that you who read these can learn from my experience.

Once a week I want to post something funny that I saw on the internet or in real life that gave me a lift with laughter. My hope for this is to always have something to keep me laughing.

Once a week I want to post something crafty I did the week before. My hope for this is that I will be challenged to keep doing crafty things even when I dont feel happy.

I read a book last week where a father challenges his daughter to do thing to change her life from what she has to what she wants, one of the things he asks her to do is to once a week write a thank you note to someone. I want to do that, I may write to someone I know and send it to them, but I will once a week post a thank you to someone, even if I have no way to get it to them. My hope is that while I find the things and people I have to be thankful for/to I will become a more positive thinker.

I would like to eventually get to making one cake a week to post here. My hope for this will be to improve on my favorite talent I have and learn new techniques.

So here is to the new blog and the new year and the new me! Thanks again for reading and keep your arms crossed for me! :)

the sun is back :)

Ok I have given Depression almost 2 weeks of my life now I am ready to take it back! I am ready to make a difference in my life today :) I have eaten breakfast and am now ready to get some work in my kitchen done. I have come to terms that I will not make my goal of 30 lbs by november 4 but I would be happy to make the 15 lb mark. I knew that 30 was a lot to lose by then so I am not to upset about not making it. On to bigger (smaller) and better things!

confession.

Today I want to talk about something that only a few know about me. 

I have suffered from different degrees of depression/anxiety most of my married life. (Even a bit when I was a teenager) It started as unexplainable tenseness just a few months after my first child was born. I was noticing that even while I was playing with him I would be biting my lower lip. It scared me so I went to the Dr to ask for some anti depressants (I had taken them as a teenager and they really helped) she sent me to a psychiatrist/psychologist (which ever one cant prescribe medications) and she wanted to talk about my life and past and present and everything but what I was feeling. She felt that my depression was "situational" and that I should come back weekly. I said thanks but no thanks. I couldn't afford something like that and didn't feel comfortable with the session I had had with her.

I dealt with it the best I could... which wasn't great.

I thought it was normal to think that those around you would be better off without you.

I thought everyone thought about ways to die on occasion, never really thinking you would do it... not really.

I never thought I could do anything with being angry all the time, I just thought that was the way I was.

I thought everyone had fits of hysterical crying on a regular basis.

Even as I type this I really struggle to believe emotionally that these things aren't normal even though intellectually I know they aren't now.

I want to share these things because I think airing them will be cleansing and I hope to help others who may stumble onto this blog know that they are not alone in their feelings while also knowing the feelings are not normal and can be dangerous.

A few years ago I did something horrible, I wont go into detail but at that point all the thoughts that maybe the world and my family would be better off with out me almost stopped being a thought. Thankfully only almost. The point of telling this is to say thoughts are just a beginning. (For good or bad)

I haven't gotten that low since but I still struggle daily.

Now back to the issue of logic and emotion... :)

There are things that make me really happy (not including my kids cause that is a double edged knife ;p )

Decorating cakes

Making things with polymer clay

Sculpting with clay (the kind you have to fire)

Making chainmail

and... for those who don't know this will be breaking news :)

Writing my book

Logic tells me to work on something from this list each day and I will be a happier person.

Emotion tells me it is too hard to have a clean kitchen. Too hard to get the clay/jump rings out.

The last one doesnt get worked on enough because of Facebook lol

Logic tells me that I would be happier if I could keep things clean 

Emotion tells me it isnt worth it to the point of actually living in filth.
It is not easy to admit my failings but as I have said before...
Have you noticed that all the emotional feelings I have seem to be ruled by the depression. I have to fight that every day. Some days I win, but right now, most I lose.

So here is my plan to win more often!

Get up at 7 am (not 8 to take the kids to school then come home and go back to sleep)

Write some of my book till 730ish

Wake up the kids if needed and be around while they are getting ready for school

Spend more quality time with Kitkat (instead of sitting her in front of the tv while I sleep)

Clean something every day

Make something every day (from previous list)

Make dinner every day (my kids live on mac and cheese and hot dog casserole, that needs to change)

Not go to bed before everything is in its place in all rooms.

This is a very daunting list so I may have to start with 2 or 3 things ;)

All this while sticking to my diet and walking/exercising every day

now to post this before I lose my nerve and delete it

good start today

I am off to a better start today.

I took the kids to school and came home and ate breakfast! To those who dont struggle like I do with eating correctly wont see this as a great accomplishment but those who do... yay me :) 

Another huge hurdle for me is when I mess up I usually say "oh well, I will start again tomorrow" or worse I will plan on having the rest of the week not worrying about it and start the next Monday rather than just doing better for the rest of the day/week. I am trying to change that mind set and do better the next meal (or if I didnt walk one day, do better the next day)

Another bit of a...

I don't really know what happened this week. It is already Wed and I haven't done very well this week. Why is it always the beginning that is so hard? I find it frustrating that intellectually we can know one thing but emotionally we DO the opposite thing

I KNOW I need a clean house yet I FEEL overwhelmed and don't know where to start so I don't.

My husband had a patient unexpectedly die the other day and he KNOWS he did everything he could to give the patient excellent care yet he he FEELS that he missed something.

I KNOW eating breakfast makes me feel better physically but I FEEL blah about making it.

I have been eating later and later each day and sleeping more. I need to get back to my schedule.

the good news is I haven't gained any weight (yet) but sadly haven't lost anything either.

Now to make the rest of the day better!