the sun is back :)

Ok I have given Depression almost 2 weeks of my life now I am ready to take it back! I am ready to make a difference in my life today :) I have eaten breakfast and am now ready to get some work in my kitchen done. I have come to terms that I will not make my goal of 30 lbs by november 4 but I would be happy to make the 15 lb mark. I knew that 30 was a lot to lose by then so I am not to upset about not making it. On to bigger (smaller) and better things!

confession.

Today I want to talk about something that only a few know about me. 

I have suffered from different degrees of depression/anxiety most of my married life. (Even a bit when I was a teenager) It started as unexplainable tenseness just a few months after my first child was born. I was noticing that even while I was playing with him I would be biting my lower lip. It scared me so I went to the Dr to ask for some anti depressants (I had taken them as a teenager and they really helped) she sent me to a psychiatrist/psychologist (which ever one cant prescribe medications) and she wanted to talk about my life and past and present and everything but what I was feeling. She felt that my depression was "situational" and that I should come back weekly. I said thanks but no thanks. I couldn't afford something like that and didn't feel comfortable with the session I had had with her.

I dealt with it the best I could... which wasn't great.

I thought it was normal to think that those around you would be better off without you.

I thought everyone thought about ways to die on occasion, never really thinking you would do it... not really.

I never thought I could do anything with being angry all the time, I just thought that was the way I was.

I thought everyone had fits of hysterical crying on a regular basis.

Even as I type this I really struggle to believe emotionally that these things aren't normal even though intellectually I know they aren't now.

I want to share these things because I think airing them will be cleansing and I hope to help others who may stumble onto this blog know that they are not alone in their feelings while also knowing the feelings are not normal and can be dangerous.

A few years ago I did something horrible, I wont go into detail but at that point all the thoughts that maybe the world and my family would be better off with out me almost stopped being a thought. Thankfully only almost. The point of telling this is to say thoughts are just a beginning. (For good or bad)

I haven't gotten that low since but I still struggle daily.

Now back to the issue of logic and emotion... :)

There are things that make me really happy (not including my kids cause that is a double edged knife ;p )

Decorating cakes

Making things with polymer clay

Sculpting with clay (the kind you have to fire)

Making chainmail

and... for those who don't know this will be breaking news :)

Writing my book

Logic tells me to work on something from this list each day and I will be a happier person.

Emotion tells me it is too hard to have a clean kitchen. Too hard to get the clay/jump rings out.

The last one doesnt get worked on enough because of Facebook lol

Logic tells me that I would be happier if I could keep things clean 

Emotion tells me it isnt worth it to the point of actually living in filth.
It is not easy to admit my failings but as I have said before...
Have you noticed that all the emotional feelings I have seem to be ruled by the depression. I have to fight that every day. Some days I win, but right now, most I lose.

So here is my plan to win more often!

Get up at 7 am (not 8 to take the kids to school then come home and go back to sleep)

Write some of my book till 730ish

Wake up the kids if needed and be around while they are getting ready for school

Spend more quality time with Kitkat (instead of sitting her in front of the tv while I sleep)

Clean something every day

Make something every day (from previous list)

Make dinner every day (my kids live on mac and cheese and hot dog casserole, that needs to change)

Not go to bed before everything is in its place in all rooms.

This is a very daunting list so I may have to start with 2 or 3 things ;)

All this while sticking to my diet and walking/exercising every day

now to post this before I lose my nerve and delete it