the sun is back :)

Ok I have given Depression almost 2 weeks of my life now I am ready to take it back! I am ready to make a difference in my life today :) I have eaten breakfast and am now ready to get some work in my kitchen done. I have come to terms that I will not make my goal of 30 lbs by november 4 but I would be happy to make the 15 lb mark. I knew that 30 was a lot to lose by then so I am not to upset about not making it. On to bigger (smaller) and better things!

confession.

Today I want to talk about something that only a few know about me. 

I have suffered from different degrees of depression/anxiety most of my married life. (Even a bit when I was a teenager) It started as unexplainable tenseness just a few months after my first child was born. I was noticing that even while I was playing with him I would be biting my lower lip. It scared me so I went to the Dr to ask for some anti depressants (I had taken them as a teenager and they really helped) she sent me to a psychiatrist/psychologist (which ever one cant prescribe medications) and she wanted to talk about my life and past and present and everything but what I was feeling. She felt that my depression was "situational" and that I should come back weekly. I said thanks but no thanks. I couldn't afford something like that and didn't feel comfortable with the session I had had with her.

I dealt with it the best I could... which wasn't great.

I thought it was normal to think that those around you would be better off without you.

I thought everyone thought about ways to die on occasion, never really thinking you would do it... not really.

I never thought I could do anything with being angry all the time, I just thought that was the way I was.

I thought everyone had fits of hysterical crying on a regular basis.

Even as I type this I really struggle to believe emotionally that these things aren't normal even though intellectually I know they aren't now.

I want to share these things because I think airing them will be cleansing and I hope to help others who may stumble onto this blog know that they are not alone in their feelings while also knowing the feelings are not normal and can be dangerous.

A few years ago I did something horrible, I wont go into detail but at that point all the thoughts that maybe the world and my family would be better off with out me almost stopped being a thought. Thankfully only almost. The point of telling this is to say thoughts are just a beginning. (For good or bad)

I haven't gotten that low since but I still struggle daily.

Now back to the issue of logic and emotion... :)

There are things that make me really happy (not including my kids cause that is a double edged knife ;p )

Decorating cakes

Making things with polymer clay

Sculpting with clay (the kind you have to fire)

Making chainmail

and... for those who don't know this will be breaking news :)

Writing my book

Logic tells me to work on something from this list each day and I will be a happier person.

Emotion tells me it is too hard to have a clean kitchen. Too hard to get the clay/jump rings out.

The last one doesnt get worked on enough because of Facebook lol

Logic tells me that I would be happier if I could keep things clean 

Emotion tells me it isnt worth it to the point of actually living in filth.
It is not easy to admit my failings but as I have said before...
Have you noticed that all the emotional feelings I have seem to be ruled by the depression. I have to fight that every day. Some days I win, but right now, most I lose.

So here is my plan to win more often!

Get up at 7 am (not 8 to take the kids to school then come home and go back to sleep)

Write some of my book till 730ish

Wake up the kids if needed and be around while they are getting ready for school

Spend more quality time with Kitkat (instead of sitting her in front of the tv while I sleep)

Clean something every day

Make something every day (from previous list)

Make dinner every day (my kids live on mac and cheese and hot dog casserole, that needs to change)

Not go to bed before everything is in its place in all rooms.

This is a very daunting list so I may have to start with 2 or 3 things ;)

All this while sticking to my diet and walking/exercising every day

now to post this before I lose my nerve and delete it

good start today

I am off to a better start today.

I took the kids to school and came home and ate breakfast! To those who dont struggle like I do with eating correctly wont see this as a great accomplishment but those who do... yay me :) 

Another huge hurdle for me is when I mess up I usually say "oh well, I will start again tomorrow" or worse I will plan on having the rest of the week not worrying about it and start the next Monday rather than just doing better for the rest of the day/week. I am trying to change that mind set and do better the next meal (or if I didnt walk one day, do better the next day)

Another bit of a...

I don't really know what happened this week. It is already Wed and I haven't done very well this week. Why is it always the beginning that is so hard? I find it frustrating that intellectually we can know one thing but emotionally we DO the opposite thing

I KNOW I need a clean house yet I FEEL overwhelmed and don't know where to start so I don't.

My husband had a patient unexpectedly die the other day and he KNOWS he did everything he could to give the patient excellent care yet he he FEELS that he missed something.

I KNOW eating breakfast makes me feel better physically but I FEEL blah about making it.

I have been eating later and later each day and sleeping more. I need to get back to my schedule.

the good news is I haven't gained any weight (yet) but sadly haven't lost anything either.

Now to make the rest of the day better!

quick update

This will have to be short because I have a busy day ahead, my youngest 2 kids are having their birthday party today and I am not quite ready for it... then I am going to the womans conference tonight!
My plan today is to not eat cereal for breakfast because I really want to have one of the cakes I made last night. I don't usually like cake but in this case... I made lemon cake with a lemon filling and chocolate cake with Bavarian cream! they are mini cakes (I was going to do cupcakes so they are that amount of batter but flatter :)) Then I drizzled some filling on top of the batter then cooked them for 15 min. soooooo good :)
now I have to go make the frosting (and not lick my fingers lol) I will tell how my new self control goes later ;)

I caved.

Well I didnt make it last night :( I went out and got In and Out burgers. Here is where the honesty I was talking about 2 posts ago comes in. I want to say I just got one and no drink because that wouldnt be that bad, after all I get them protein style so they have as much lettuce and tomato as burger... I cant say that though. I did get 2 and a "bucket" of coke. They have an extra large that is I dont know how many oz, lets just say a whole lot! Yes I did enjoy it, but I am sad mostly because that was going to be my reward for losing 30 pounds. (just one burger and a smaller size drink though)

On another note I went out with the plan to go to Walmart and get that lemon pie I passed up. I didnt! At least I have that to feel good about! 

Now Im off to take the kids to school and figure out what I can do to make up for yesterday! Dont worry I am not flogging myself for this, no one should! I am just going to move forward and make it all work out!
I do plan on posting pictures eventually (I have to find the cord for my camera...) even though seeing pictures of me is really hard for me. That is why I think it is important for me to do it ;)

bad day...

I really dont want this to become a complaining blog, but (I really dont like that word) I have not had the best day today. I am afraid that I am very tempted to cheat myself by eating something I really dont need.

First today I went to my daughters school for something they call Discovery and went ice skating... good idea? I thought so too, good exercise right? well it was that, but (there's that word again) the kids were crazy and I was ornery so, bad combo.

Second my son was very late coming home from play practice... so I was worried and mad.

Finally just a bit ago I was trying to see something for my son on the school communication website and my MS word is too old to read it!

So bad day and I want a hamburger and a lemon pie to make me happy!!!

I didnt walk extra today though I did do a lot of shopping (I know I really dont want to count that) and there was the ice skating...

Anyway here's to hoping I stay strong and to a new day tomorrow!

rough start

Well it looks like I am off to a rough start for this blog. Losing weight is a long process so hopefully I will have daily blogging down long before I get to the weight I want to be!

As for my progress... before I start writing about that I want to clarify two things... I did not start this "diet" when I started this blog. I started at the end of Aug. And I didnt weigh myself when I started my plan. I am going from the heaviest I ever weighed myself at. That being said,

I am down 10 pounds

I can only get a bit excited about this because I have done it many times. The exciting thing will be the next 10 I dont think I have ever lost 20 pounds on a "diet" but you have to reach 10 before you get to 20 :)

so for numbers

my starting weight is 230 and probably should do measurements but... 

my starting energy level would have to be -2 (scale 1-10) because all I did was eat and sleep :(

my starting health I would say at 1 because I am borderline diabetic have bad cholesterol and very low vitamin D levels to name a few medical issues. 

 I have been walking every day since starting this blog (off and on before) and 2 days ago bit off more than may have been smart by walking to a craft store. It ended up taking me an hour to get there and another hour to get back. I also made the mistake of not taking water with me. I ended up with a bad headache from getting dehydrated and felt like crying from exhaustion!

BUT I did it! 

I think I will wait to do that again until I have been walking/jogging for longer and have lost a few more pounds ;)

I have been eating breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and dinner.

So far I havent gotten creative with my meals, I usually have a couple of eggs with some cheese and tomatos for breakfast, a V8 for one snack, ham and turkey or tuna lettuce wrap for lunch, nuts for another snack then what ever I feed the family for dinner.

As you can see I am in need of adding a lot more veggies to my meal planning but it is a start. My main focus has been to get used to eating 5 times a day since, as I mentioned before, my biggest challenge is even getting 3 a day.

 

I want to keep track of how I feel each day so I am planning on doing a daily post even if it is just an update on my energy level! 

My hope for the future of this blog is to work through being creative on what I eat and give recipes of things I come up with, to see what my triggers are for any failures I might have on this journey so I might lessen the chance of failing and to maybe inspire someone in the future who needs to see the struggles of someone like them. The trick? Being willing to be totally honest in what I put down here, even if it is admitting I ate the whole                           !

(insert unhealthy but delicious item here)

The Plan

OK, now to come up with a plan to achieve my goal! I have tried a few things that never work... but that is probably because I never stick with them long enough. What I want to do is use the things those plans have in common.

First EAT BREAKFAST!!! 

I truly believe this step is an important one and one I fail to follow on a regular basis. I am not an nutritionist or a doctor or a specialist in any way. I know from experience just following this little "rule" makes a big difference! When I skip meals my body immediately goes into what I call "starvation mode" and my metabolism shuts down to hold on to any calories I eat because it doesn't know when I will eat again.

Second EAT ALL DAY!

I truly believe eating 5 to 6 small meals a day is the way to go, mainly because of previously mentioned "starvation mode" My other thought behind this is that I wouldn't feel so hungry I would over eat when I did finally have a meal.

Finally EXERCISE!

Yes being active is important :) we all know that! The last time I went to my doctor she told me that I needed to walk at least 20 min a day and that she would whip me with a wet noodle if I didn't. I did really good the first week after that appointment... I have also decided that doing my usual shopping and such DOESN'T count :) With my kids in school (all but the youngest) I have been walking to meet them as they walk home to fulfill this step.

more about what I eat in tomorrows post.

A New Beginning?

Years ago my mother and I were talking about how you (people in general) make the decision to change your life... not only make the decision but acting on it! She said she had heard somewhere you have to hit that "wall" where you realize your cant keep living the way you have been. I have thought about that conversation often in the last couple of years especially when I feel I have hit that wall, just to realize that maybe I really hadn',t because I haven't done anything to change my situation.

Another conversation I remember having many years ago was with my best childhood friend, Lori. I was saying that I had a goal of some sort (probably to lose weight) and she asked me if I had written it down. Feeling kind of annoyed I told her no. She then stated to me that it wasn't a goal then, it was only a wish. I recall feeling frustrated that she didn't just support me in what I was saying at the time, but have come to appreciate her blunt honesty with me. I still haven't followed her advice.

So I have come to the realization that I have hit the "wall" and the "rock bottom" but in not following my friends advice I think I have pulled out a sledge hammer and moved that wall or broken up those rocks so I could slip just a little farther away from where I want to be. That wish became my sledge hammer where the goal would have been my guide back.

This blog is going to be my answer to her, YES I have written it down! 

I have a goal to lose 100 pounds and be a happier and healthier person!

I also believe that looking at losing 100 pounds is like someone asking me to mop my floors with a toothbrush... nearly impossible and set up for failure so I plan on breaking it down into smaller goals.

First large goal will be to lose 30 pounds by Nov 4 because I get to go to Boston to see my big sister and her new baby! I am prepared to not quite make that amount but only because my body didn't want to let go of the weight not because I didn't try!

My small goals will be overcoming my daily challenges. I will post more on all of that tomorrow, I just couldn't put off any longer turning my wish into my goal!

Thank you to any who join me in this adventure!

Here's to my New Beginning.